Son, I Am Not Your Father...

            The day that I found out my father was not my father was a day that I will never forget. The windows were rolled down and I was in the passenger seat. The smell of chronic was filling up fast and I was feeling a little strange. My father said, “son, I have something to tell you”. I was waiting for the ultimate surprise.

            Maybe we were going to take a family vacation, or maybe a new pair of shoes was stuffed in the trunk. But the world slowed down, and the words seemed as if they came out even slower “I am not your dad”. What! I thought to myself. You are not my father? I have been living a lie for the last 15 years?

 From that day on, I was never the same. I never looked at my mother, my sisters, or anyone around me the same. I felt as if I did not belong. That I was stuck in some twilight zone- and I was screwed. I was glad that a man stepped up and was there for me and took the responsibility of trying to raise me. He did a great job in some areas and could have done better in others.

           I did not want to know this at all. I would have rather believed that he was my father. This is not a little white lie like Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny, this was a huge cover-up. It was worse than Bill Clinton and the stains on that dress. It was a totally elaborate scheme that fooled everyone.  

            My mother lied to me. The one woman in the world that I was supposed to be able to trust was nothing but a liar. How could the one person that carried me inside her body for nine months not tell me the truth? The more I thought about it, the more that I continued to rebel.

            As I looked at other men playing with their sons and daughters I wondered if that was a lie as well. My last name was not mine. I was not a Harris, I was an unknown. But what difference did it make? It made a huge difference in my life.

 I had a connection with my Grandmother like no other. When I was young I would sleep in her bed, and she would read to me at night. She provided the shelter over my head and was the reason that I had such a beautiful ocean view outside my front door.  And this unknown man took that away from me because he said “it was making me a weak little boy”. How could love make me a week little boy? Love never makes anyone weak- only stronger.

            Besides my mother, my grandmother was the only real biological connection I had in the home. Now I knew why I was treated differently compared to my sisters. Now I knew why I would get the heavy end of the rod, and they would only get yelled at. It started to click and it all made sense.

            I was damaged for a long time, and that damage lead to some serious mistakes being made in my life. I have overcome those difficulties, and have grown into a man, that knows how important the role of a father is. On this day both of my biological children received student of the month at their school. I study hard, and push them even harder because I know that is my role.

            To all of the mothers, step-mothers, fathers and step-fathers, make sure that you tell your children the truth. The truth is what establishes how our lives will turn out. There are no little lies, only big ones that can destroy a young child that may never be able to recover and believes that lies are used to protect. But the reality is they only destroy.   

Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangster

I never knew that I was a gangster; I was surprised when theses accusations were tossed my way. Politically motivated, a scholar, father and a husband sound more appropriate. It would be rather hard to play soccer outside with my daughter while I was dodging bullets. It would be rather hard to concentrate on my school work while I was constantly looking over my shoulder watching out for the rival gang member to attack me.

I mean, we all know that I live in one the roughest neighborhoods in the world- with the constant howling of coyotes and acres of farmland that surround my small town. This really offers me the best opportunity to recruit little kids and teach them how to do a drive-by. I’m such a hard gangster that I picked my children’s school based upon the merits of the district. Would a gangster be able to write and talk about society in a manner like this?

I have spoken out against the gangster mentality that has plagued our society. I have made a conscious decision due to role models like my father and mother to do something with my life and raise my family in the most respectful and honorable way that I can. I have taught my children about accountability, the importance of an education, and the importance of love and kindness.

But accusations like these are often misdirected due to the ignorance and sometimes racist insecurities of certain individuals. Those that have no connection to the real world but would rather believe the images they have seen on the 100 hours of television they are subjected to on a weekly basis.

But this is a problem with society- we never take the time to know anyone, but rather judge them by the way they dress. People should be judged on their actions. People often spend so much time worrying about other individuals that they do not take the time to look at themselves and understand how they can improve their own lives. There is always room for improvement. Are we all where we want to be in our lives? Is there more that we can do for one another and support one another in a world that is often filled with so much evil that goals seem impossible?

I have lost friends to the streets. They should still be here today. I have seen friends locked up for most of their teenage years. Poverty has increased in America; men and women are dying across the earth fighting for our freedom. There is so much more to focus on instead of passing lies and false accusations. These actions can be connected to the term “Hater”, but I would rather take it deeper than that, and deal with the fact that we have rather sick people that feel the need to lie to make them selves feel better by always talking about others.

God truly does work in mysterious ways. As soon as I started writing this blog there was a knock on the door. It was a delivery of the pictures of me and my wife walking across the stage accepting our diplomas. A reminder that I am not a gangster, that I am striving to do more with my life and I am surrounded by some of the greatest neighbors and friends that a man could ask for.

Being a gangster is not what young men strive for. It is a social and economic issue that has plagued America. Some of these young men and women do not have a chance or opportunity to become better citizens. Some of these children come from broken homes and are surrounded in conditions that I can not even imagine to be subjected to. There are other gangsters out there as well. There are gangsters that bottle water and sell it to the people, pollute our air, and control the media with negatives images of all aspects of our society only in search of profits.

This is a warning for me and all the others that just so happen to wear a pair of jeans and a baseball cap. We are gangsters! We should not and can not be trusted! We live for the excitement of war and killing our own people. While we send our children to school, attend college, and are there for our friends in the darkest moments, we are planning the next drive-by and waiting to sell drugs to our people.

To all of those that think they are surrounded by gangsters and feel the need to lock themselves in their homes with cameras and motion detectors- while you are at it add some bars on the windows and pad the walls of your home, because you are the real nutcases out there. Not those that have better things to worry about than the dog and pony show in their own front yard. The Devil approaches with a smile and spreads lies while he is stabbing you in the back with his pitchfork.

I will see you all later. It is time for me to jump in the low-low, throw on my baseball cap, and do a drive-by with my AK-47 and hoodlum children. I think there are a couple of cows that have been talking mess about me and my boys and I think that it is time for some pay back… gangster style.

A Message to Fathers Raising Daughters

Raising a daughter is a task like no other. Fathers always hear that their little daughters will have them wrapped around their finger. You will do anything for them.

I am very lucky because I was able to watch my mother and father raise two girls. They raised their daughters to be strong and stand up for what they believed in. They made sure to never break their sprits. It is very important to make sure that a child’s spirit is never broken. Parents play a huge role in the mental developmental process of children.

As a stay at home father I have spent long periods of time with my children alone and have had to deal with all types of situations. When I was left alone with my daughter for the first time, I was in shock. I spent 14 months alone with my son, but all of the sudden I was afraid to change a diaper. I didn’t want to do it, but there was no way that I was going to allow her to walk around the house with a saggy diaper. After overcoming my fear of the little girl zone there emerged several new obstacles that were different from raising a son. These are my tips based on what I have learned so far:

1) Treat your children fairly

My son was rather easy and very calm. My daughter was always very excited and full of energy. She was always trying to keep up with her brother. Since she is younger than her brother she is always in a competitive mode. No matter what the situation is even to this day my daughter is always trying to get praise and beat out her brother in any situation. After hearing all of the comments of how she was going to control my feelings and that I was going to treat her differently then her brother, I made a conscious decision to make sure that I raised them fair and treated them the same way.

2) Give them the attention they need

Children need a father’s attention, but especially daughters. As fathers, our job is to raise children that are productive and can offer something to society. As a father raising a daughter I have taken the approach to show my daughter what it is like to be around a man that treats women with respect. I hope that this will show her how she should be treated by any other man that may enter her life.

3) Treat your wife with respect

This may sound rather simple but this approach is very important. I make sure that I treat my wife with respect in front of both my son and daughter so that my son knows how important it is to respect woman, this also demonstrates to my daughter how a man should treat her in the future. Our current society is still disrespectful to women. It is shown in our movies, music, advertisements, and many other aspects of our society. It is important to offer our children, especially daughters, positive images of women in society.

4) Find role models

My daughter is lucky that she has the opportunity to see such a positive woman like her mother in her life. My wife is a breadwinner, a scholar, a nurse, and to most a feminist. All of these traits have helped my daughter develop into a strong little girl due to roles being reversed in a household. But it is also important for the negative images of women to be counteracted by positive images of women. For example most men enjoy watching sports, if your daughter is in the room and the opportunity is available let your daughter watch women playing sports. My daughter enjoys watching women playing soccer with me. The first time she watched women playing she was happy and sat down on the couch and watched the whole game. This was one of the best moments that I have experienced this summer with my daughter.

5) Teach your daughter to respect herself

Do not force her to become a sex object by letting her run around town in her two-piece bikini, and cover her face in make-up in the early stages of her life. This only helps promote the sex image that the media is dependent on. Fathers, we are raising the women of the future and it is important that they have the tools necessary to find men that will respect them and love them.

So in short fathers- treat your daughter like she is the love of your life. Cherish her and allow her to be who she is. If we love them like they should be loved then we can help them grow into the strong women we know they can be.