Dads, Welcome to the Club

            I have been a stay at home father for a while now. I love it, but I also prepared myself for the new work force at the same time. I have completed my Associates, Bachelors, and am currently enrolled in my Masters degree.

            It is a hard job. I was left with my son in my arms when he was two weeks old. I was ready for the challenge. I was also lucky enough to have some experience. I worked with my mother at a daycare center that offered an after school program during the summer. I was also responsible for working with children ranging from 1-3 years old in foster care.

            These children had many different challenges. Their mothers were crack addicts and this addiction was passed down to the children. The children had many different behavioral problems; some of them had violent responses to the simplest request.

            There is a new movement towards men staying at home and raising their children. This is great news. But dads, do all us other dads a favor and prove all of the “nay-sayers”, wrong, and do not let the world take a crap on your manhood.

            There is nothing like being there with you children, if possible. Cherish it, and teach them what the world is all about early. I had to deal with the battles and inner-demons of feeling like a failure, but I did my job, and I did my job well.

            I also supported my wife. Emotional support is huge, because they also feel and fight their own inner-demons. This type of role reversal is rather hard. Women often face a barrage of questions while they are in the workforce.

            I did not hold my wife back from doing what needs to be in the corporate world. I knew that she would have to attend dinners after work hours, and that she would also have to continue her education, to break the glass ceiling.

            Even to this day, there are long hours on both of our schedules. I am the taxi driver, the tutor, the cook, and even the psychologist. But it works for my family and in this economy we are doing fine.    

            I made it through the early ages with no broken arms, no diaper rashes, and no news stories of lost children at the park. I know that shortly I will be entering the work-force and I hope that my education allows for me to create my own business.

            S,o to the new stay-at-home dads, welcome to the club.  But know that this is also an opportunity to improve your skills.  Take time for yourself because it is needed. And support your other half.  Do what you would expect of them if they were at home. When my wife walks in the front door dinner is ready, homework is done, and the house is clean.

            It is not just about being at home with the kids, but holding down the fort, and raising children that are prepared  to deal with the world outside.

How to Stop a Bully

My daughter mentioned to her mother that there was this one little girl in her class that was bothering her. There was a little girl that continued to tell her “to pull her pants up”, or would act like my daughter pushed her so that she would get in trouble.

We were both shocked by this but knew that our talks with our children paid off. The fact that she was telling her mom that she was getting bullied was the first step. With all of the recent news stories and young children taken their lives, it was important that we laid the ground work and allowed for them both to communicate with us if this happened.

So a few weeks ago on a Monday afternoon I picked my daughter up and I could tell that there was something wrong.  I always get out the car walk across the street and get my children.

My daughter was holding her arms as if something happened. I asked what was wrong and she gave me a hug and said “nothing”. Little did my daughter know, I knew more about the bully then she thought.

I asked her again and she said that the little girl hit her with her backpack. I was like, alright, now it is time to speak to the teacher. My daughter started to tear up and said “no daddy it is ok”.

 I told her “no this is not alright and it should be dealt with and now”. I approached the teacher and in great detail told her of what was going on in the classroom.  The teacher looked surprised as if she did not know what was going on in her own classroom.

 After I informed the teacher I took it a step further and walked to the office and asked to speak with the principal. The principal was not available but I informed the secretary, the most important person in the whole school, and she informed my daughter on what she should do if it happens again.

Once we went home it was like I had a different child. She told me that she loved me and that I saved her life, of course I thought that this was overboard, but in reality in her little world I did.

 I felt like a super hero, an Avenger of some sort.  And I think that my daughter understood that my role was more than just a caretaker but a protector as well. She was excited that the issue was dealt with.

 I did not think that it was the end of the story. I took the time to explain to her that little girls often get jealous because of what another girl looks like, and their own insecurities often lead them to becoming bullies. Or the fact that they are taught how to be bullies by their parents. Training starts at home, and I have raised my children to respect others, and not to be rude or disrespectful to other children.

The next day when I went to pick her up from school, she was happy and smiling. I had my happy little girl back. She told me that her teacher sat both of the girls down and that the little girl admitted to her wrong doing, and apologized.

 She said that after the teacher told the girl to stop, she did. Now if I did not get out of the car, and if I was not paying attention, I would not know what was going on in their lives.

As parents we have to do more than just pick them up while we sit in the comfort of our car. We have to watch their actions, be in tune with their emotions, and be their voice. There is no reason for children to be killing themselves because of being bullied.

 I know that for some families they do not have the luxury of being there for their children, but we have to ask them questions and if there is something going on get to the bottom of the issues and quickly.

If your child is being bullied make sure that you document it talk to the teachers and let your child know that they have the right to defend themselves no matter what. The defensive mechanism should not be with violence, but with their voice.

 It is a shame as a society that our social ills have been handed down to our children at such young ages.

 It is a shame that a child is no longer a child, but rather some accessory that we make do things to make us feel better or to present some false image.

I had another friend that had to deal with the same issue. Her child was being bullied as well. It was great to see her take control of the issue, we have to take control. I know that school is about to be over, but make sure that they are not getting bullied in camp or any activity that they may be involved in.

 And let your children know that in life there are losers and winners, because if we continue to let them have false victories, when they really fail, they may not be able to handle it.  

And thank you to The Freshmen for allowing me to use their music.  

     

Son, I Am Not Your Father...

            The day that I found out my father was not my father was a day that I will never forget. The windows were rolled down and I was in the passenger seat. The smell of chronic was filling up fast and I was feeling a little strange. My father said, “son, I have something to tell you”. I was waiting for the ultimate surprise.

            Maybe we were going to take a family vacation, or maybe a new pair of shoes was stuffed in the trunk. But the world slowed down, and the words seemed as if they came out even slower “I am not your dad”. What! I thought to myself. You are not my father? I have been living a lie for the last 15 years?

 From that day on, I was never the same. I never looked at my mother, my sisters, or anyone around me the same. I felt as if I did not belong. That I was stuck in some twilight zone- and I was screwed. I was glad that a man stepped up and was there for me and took the responsibility of trying to raise me. He did a great job in some areas and could have done better in others.

           I did not want to know this at all. I would have rather believed that he was my father. This is not a little white lie like Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny, this was a huge cover-up. It was worse than Bill Clinton and the stains on that dress. It was a totally elaborate scheme that fooled everyone.  

            My mother lied to me. The one woman in the world that I was supposed to be able to trust was nothing but a liar. How could the one person that carried me inside her body for nine months not tell me the truth? The more I thought about it, the more that I continued to rebel.

            As I looked at other men playing with their sons and daughters I wondered if that was a lie as well. My last name was not mine. I was not a Harris, I was an unknown. But what difference did it make? It made a huge difference in my life.

 I had a connection with my Grandmother like no other. When I was young I would sleep in her bed, and she would read to me at night. She provided the shelter over my head and was the reason that I had such a beautiful ocean view outside my front door.  And this unknown man took that away from me because he said “it was making me a weak little boy”. How could love make me a week little boy? Love never makes anyone weak- only stronger.

            Besides my mother, my grandmother was the only real biological connection I had in the home. Now I knew why I was treated differently compared to my sisters. Now I knew why I would get the heavy end of the rod, and they would only get yelled at. It started to click and it all made sense.

            I was damaged for a long time, and that damage lead to some serious mistakes being made in my life. I have overcome those difficulties, and have grown into a man, that knows how important the role of a father is. On this day both of my biological children received student of the month at their school. I study hard, and push them even harder because I know that is my role.

            To all of the mothers, step-mothers, fathers and step-fathers, make sure that you tell your children the truth. The truth is what establishes how our lives will turn out. There are no little lies, only big ones that can destroy a young child that may never be able to recover and believes that lies are used to protect. But the reality is they only destroy.   

Angry Black Man Syndrome (ABMS)

I have been told many times that I am an angry black man. But those that know me understand that this is not anger but passion. I am cut from a different cloth. There have been many that have told me “You are the whitest black man that I know”. I laugh and think to myself you really do not have a clue about who I really am. Is there a certain way that a black man should talk and dress? I mean, I do wear a belt and search for the correct size jeans.

I am often embarrassed when I see black men with their jeans down to their knees, staring at their Underroos with Sponge Bob Square Paints and the Wonder Twins. Yes I am frustrated when the hottest song on the radio is telling me that I should be single for the night. I mean come on; there is nothing wrong with arguing with your mate and then having hot passionate make-up sex.

I have been pulled over by the cops and racially profiled. I have tried my hardest to let some of the comments that I have heard pass right by like a speeding train and then move on with my life. But the more I heard these comments and evaluated the constant racial tension around me, I knew that it was time to do more with my life and use my talents as a writer to reach the world.

So, you can call me angry if I won’t stand for people not living up to their potential and crying poor me all the time. The excuses are old. The truth is just that the truth. There are some that will never understand the cultural differences and accept that there needs to be real conversation and an agenda developed to combat this racial tension. No matter where I have lived there has always been someone or something that has reminded me that before I am an American, I am black.

When I lived in California I was at my brother-in-laws weeding reception and his father-in-law asked me if I was from Oakland. I looked at him and his fuzzy blonde afro and replied no, I am from Pacifica California. I thought to myself “sorry for the disappointment and welcome to the family”, while his son was standing upside down drinking from a keg. Now explain that to the kids in Oakland!

Or better yet, the day that I moved into my first house and my new neighbor called her husband in fear because I was standing outside instructing the movers were to put my furniture. I can just imagine the conversation over the phone “honey you need to come home now, there is a black man outside his own house I think he is going to rob me and the alarm has not been set-up yet”.

But don’t worry; I get the same type of reaction from black people. Like, when I am standing outside smoking a cigarette and they ask for one and refuse to take one because it is not menthol. Or when we engage in a conversation and they are shocked and say “you speak proper”. I am sorry my house is not filled with Kool-Aid packets and my kids do not run around the neighborhood out of control.

I am not angry at the world and I have friends of all races. Any day around my home I can be the minority and the next the majority. That is the beauty of living in America. I might be a little louder than the next guy, or say something controversial, but why not? I mean, sometimes there are things that need to be addressed.

I do not see the world simply as black and white, but there are issues that can be directly tied to racism and a society that has not addressed the past. I see a bright future for our country. I see little children of all races playing together and eating lunch together at the same table. But as adults we have a responsibility to make it a better place, so these children will not grow up and be upset and understand that race is something that is important.

It was hard enough to explain to my son when he was a kindergartener that it was alright for a black man to marry a white woman. After his first week of kindergarten he came home confused and stated that he thought that a black man and a white woman should not be married. I thought that I would not have a conversation like this until he was at least a teenager. So for those to say that the world has totally moved forward and it is over- think again, because this mindset was taught to a child by their parents.

Even today Obama has tapped into his passion to express his concerns on the current struggles of our economy. They called it the new approach. But I guess since I am not the president and I am not wearing a suit and tie my approach is called anger.

Be a Mentor: Because Kids Need More Thank Just Milk and Cookies

Everyone needs someone in their life to help them reach their goals and often find those hidden skills that are tucked away deep down inside. A mentor is something that all of us can be, no matter what we do for a living. There is always someone out there that needs a little guidance and help. I have spent years helping people around me. I had a mentor that showed me the importance of music and also how damaging some negative music can be to our society. This individual was a father figure to me and unfortunately, is no longer here to see me showcase my skills to the rest of the world.

Becoming a mentor is one thing that we can do to make this a better world. There are always Big Brother and Big Sister programs that are searching for individuals that have the time to spend with the youth. This is a great program but some individuals do not have the time to attend this type of structured mentoring program. Some churches also have mentoring programs that can be helpful, but issues that I have with programs that are dependent on a belief structure is that those views are often forced fed to the individual that is being mentored.

Why is mentoring so important? We live in a world that is dependent on a particular skill set to earn a living. We live in a country that has lost control of our media, the same media that bombards our children with their agendas 24 hours a day. It is important for us to share the stories and experiences that we have been through so that our children do not make the same mistakes we might have made in the past. Helping someone achieve their goals is the best feeling in the world. It is important for us to help create a country that is filled with individuals that are bright and can avoid the mistakes of the past.

The youth look to adults to figure out how they should react in certain situations and they depend on us to teach them how to survive in a world that is forever changing. We all have something to share with another individual. Our educational structure is failing our children and it is up to the parents and the citizens of America to educate our children. There are children that are just roaming the streets while their parents are working two jobs and do not have the time to raise them anymore. Parents are sometimes consumed by the materialism themselves and have often allowed the glowing box to be a mentor for their children.

I am not suggesting that you gather up the little children in your neighborhood and feed them cookies and milk, but rather engage in conversation that will help them make the right decisions. The youth in America are asking for help. You can tell by the music that they listen to, the televisions shows that they enjoy and the increase in teen-pregnancies. We all complain about the world and how it is failing apart, but what are we doing to make it better?

Become a mentor to a person at work and show them how the business works. Mentor a family member that may be dealing with issues and needs another perspective on life. All of our experiences are only random acts if we do not learn from them and share them with others.

A Message to Fathers Raising Daughters

Raising a daughter is a task like no other. Fathers always hear that their little daughters will have them wrapped around their finger. You will do anything for them.

I am very lucky because I was able to watch my mother and father raise two girls. They raised their daughters to be strong and stand up for what they believed in. They made sure to never break their sprits. It is very important to make sure that a child’s spirit is never broken. Parents play a huge role in the mental developmental process of children.

As a stay at home father I have spent long periods of time with my children alone and have had to deal with all types of situations. When I was left alone with my daughter for the first time, I was in shock. I spent 14 months alone with my son, but all of the sudden I was afraid to change a diaper. I didn’t want to do it, but there was no way that I was going to allow her to walk around the house with a saggy diaper. After overcoming my fear of the little girl zone there emerged several new obstacles that were different from raising a son. These are my tips based on what I have learned so far:

1) Treat your children fairly

My son was rather easy and very calm. My daughter was always very excited and full of energy. She was always trying to keep up with her brother. Since she is younger than her brother she is always in a competitive mode. No matter what the situation is even to this day my daughter is always trying to get praise and beat out her brother in any situation. After hearing all of the comments of how she was going to control my feelings and that I was going to treat her differently then her brother, I made a conscious decision to make sure that I raised them fair and treated them the same way.

2) Give them the attention they need

Children need a father’s attention, but especially daughters. As fathers, our job is to raise children that are productive and can offer something to society. As a father raising a daughter I have taken the approach to show my daughter what it is like to be around a man that treats women with respect. I hope that this will show her how she should be treated by any other man that may enter her life.

3) Treat your wife with respect

This may sound rather simple but this approach is very important. I make sure that I treat my wife with respect in front of both my son and daughter so that my son knows how important it is to respect woman, this also demonstrates to my daughter how a man should treat her in the future. Our current society is still disrespectful to women. It is shown in our movies, music, advertisements, and many other aspects of our society. It is important to offer our children, especially daughters, positive images of women in society.

4) Find role models

My daughter is lucky that she has the opportunity to see such a positive woman like her mother in her life. My wife is a breadwinner, a scholar, a nurse, and to most a feminist. All of these traits have helped my daughter develop into a strong little girl due to roles being reversed in a household. But it is also important for the negative images of women to be counteracted by positive images of women. For example most men enjoy watching sports, if your daughter is in the room and the opportunity is available let your daughter watch women playing sports. My daughter enjoys watching women playing soccer with me. The first time she watched women playing she was happy and sat down on the couch and watched the whole game. This was one of the best moments that I have experienced this summer with my daughter.

5) Teach your daughter to respect herself

Do not force her to become a sex object by letting her run around town in her two-piece bikini, and cover her face in make-up in the early stages of her life. This only helps promote the sex image that the media is dependent on. Fathers, we are raising the women of the future and it is important that they have the tools necessary to find men that will respect them and love them.

So in short fathers- treat your daughter like she is the love of your life. Cherish her and allow her to be who she is. If we love them like they should be loved then we can help them grow into the strong women we know they can be.